Colt Bottomley with his wife, Morgan and family
When the words “arranged marriage” are used, it typically suggests a primitive, and out of date system. (Don’t be confused. I am not encouraging arranged marriage, but rather; a constructive and helpful evaluation of the love between you and your spouse.) There are only a handful of examples of arranged marriages that are still being put into practice in the twenty-first century. What I’m going to do is talk about a metaphorical one, instead of a literal arranged marriage.
In 1982, psychologists Usha Gupta and Pushpa Singh of the University of Rajasthan in Jaipur performed a study in which they compared individual choice marriages to arranged marriages. Their studies found that in a period of ten years, the arranged marriage group’s love had gradually increased to almost double than that of the individual choice marriages, crazy right? The individual choice marriage’s intensity of love had peaked the first couple of months of dating, then fell dramatically afterwards. To understand this, we must take a quick look at the two kinds of love.
In the book The Happiness Hypothesis, Johnathan Haidt elaborates in detail the two kinds of love. Haidt first explains passionate love and how it is often described as a burning fire. Passionate love burns very hot, very quickly and dies down over a period of time. This is the beginning stages of a relationship; typically described as that feeling when you must be with the other person, you must spend every minute of your existence with them, and you believe that you’re going to spend the rest of your life with this person.
On the contrast, Haidt describes companionate love. Haidt goes on to say that companionate love is very low in the beginning stages of the relationship but grows steadily with time. While passionate love is at an all-time high, companionate love is at an all-time low. Haidt illustrates this by a graph. (Fig. 6.1) There are several factors that grow companionate love, one of them is maintaining the promise of marriage no matter what. As a marriage lasts longer, the more you learn about your spouse, thus knowing all the flaws of your spouse and continuing to stay married to them. There is a deep appreciation created from that, which in turn, develops companionate love.
As time passes and a couple celebrates their sixty-year wedding anniversary, the passionate love dwindles down to almost non-existent. The companionate love grows tremendously over the course of sixty years. Haidt also illustrates this in Figure 6.2 You can see the spike in the passionate love illustrated at the very beginning of the relationship, but it quickly dies down and the companionate love slowly passes the passionate love.
It has also been stated that at the beginning of a relationship (first couple months), the passionate love is compared to a drug high. As a person comes off that high, they no longer feel that passionate love that they felt for the person a month ago, thus believing they are no longer in love, and ultimately leaving the relationship. They never stick around long enough to develop that companionate love.
Now that we have a better understanding of the two types of love, you can probably see why the arranged marriages have a higher success rate. They typically never have that passionate love phase and jump right into the companionate love phase, which produces a more stable relationship.
The last point I want to mention is the metaphorical arranged marriage that I hinted at in the first paragraph. Overtime people change, it’s just a simple fact of life. You’ll hear the clichéd phrase “some people never change”, but that is just not true. People obtain wisdom over the course of their life by their experiences and their failures. People mature, and people grow in character and in morality. For example, if we went back in time five years ago, I am not even close to the person that I am now. I have matured exponentially, I am a much better father and husband because of it.
So, if we use that logic, and plug it into our marriages, then theoretically speaking, our spouses are different people now than when we said, “I do”. The person that we used to be, married the person that your spouse used to be. Moreover, we are in an arranged marriage which was previously arranged by our former selves. Confused yet?
To wrap it all up, it’s easy to make a comparison between an arranged marriage and an individual choice marriage that has just celebrated its ten-year anniversary. They both focus on the institution of marriage and not the infatuation they have for one another. By that focus on strengthening the institution of marriage, the relationship has a much higher rate of success, and a life full of happiness with each other.
As we approach the season of love, those who are stressed and anxious with your relationships, I would strongly encourage prayer. God has a plan and purpose for everyone with a unique path that has been mapped out in front of them. We must live as we are created and through prayer and guidance, He will instill hope in us.
“My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you” – John 15:12
