Charlotte Martin
This is the fourth in a series of stories shining a spotlight on grief illiteracy.
I would like to share with you what a miracle it is that these stories are being published, and let you know it is my plan for this series to share at least a couple of many incredible ways God has answered my prayers throughout my grief journey.
For over two decades I sporadically asked the news media to do a feature story or a series like this. Each time I was told that “the public is not interested in “grief” or “how to help the bereaved”. Though I prayed for many things, and saw that God answered my prayers, it never had occurred to me to pray for God to get the news media to do a series.
I thought the news media had all the power to do what they wanted to do. Then after twenty years of others refusing to help me with this, my child and I prayed for two weeks for God to send people into our lives that he wanted to be in our lives, and to send us the help we needed to get this story to the public, and to fix up our century old house that is beginning to “fall down around our ears”.
A few days later I saw Steve Ary on the tri-state news. I remembered that I had some of his old paintings that I thought he might want. I typed his name in a Facebook search, and then sent him a message. A few weeks later, he and his wife stopped by my home to get his art. I figured they would be there long enough to say, “Nice weather, isn’t it?”, and that would be the end of the story. But that story led to this series of stories.
Research done by Dr. Sally Hastings suggested that most parents who lose a child, have an insatiable need to talk about their child. Of course, the last thing we want to do is talk about our children with those who are lacking in empathy. But compassion seemed to ooze from Steve Ary and his wife. They listened intently and when I stopped talking, Steve Ary asked if he could do this series.
So, you can see that God is still in control of the news media for those who obey God. And if you ask God to let you “listen” to him to the point that you will turn the T.V. channel at the moment He is trying to send you a blessing like someone who owns a newspaper, or to slow down and listen when someone desperately needs someone to listen, just see how many people God blesses.
Most bereaved parents desperately need someone to just listen. It didn’t take God twenty years to get this series in the news media; it took me twenty years to ask. – CM
By Rev. Henry M. White – “On May 19th, 1981, my wife, Brenda and I picked up a beautiful baby boy from Central Baptist Hospital in Lexington, KY. He was six days old. We would later adopt him. We were elated. He was a gift of God.
For eighteen and a half years, he brought us joy beyond measure. The love we shared with him and he with us was very special. His involvement in his church, in school, community sports, and in Boy Scouts, kept us busy and involved in a very full life.
Then one week before Christmas in 1999, on December 17th, he was killed in a two-vehicle accident. That night, our lives were changed forever. For years, as a pastor, I had sought to bring comfort to those who lost loved ones. That involved families who had children who died.
Now, Brenda and I needed someone to comfort us. Following Matthew’s death, we read several books about grieving. I did not find any that offered help to pastors in dealing with families who lost a child.
We joined a support group called the Compassionate Friends for people who lost one or more of their children in death. There we heard stories from the participants about the comfort and help they received or did not receive from their minister and others.
I wrote “The Greatest Loss” in an effort to help pastors and others know how to provide comfort to grieving parents. It is based on experiences of other bereaved parents that they shared in our Compassionate Friends group.
It is also based on a survey I did with a larger group of grieving parents, on my experience as a pastor, and what Brenda and I went through and continue to experience as grieving parents.
I hope you will receive help from this effort, as well as from this series, and as a result, be better able to provide comfort to your people. May God bless. – Henry M. White
By Rev. Raymond Wilson – On July 25th, 1988, we said our earthly goodbyes to our first-born child, Joey, who died at the age of five.
As we were leaving the hospital, a nurse gave us brochures about support groups for parents who have lost a child. We gave them a polite thank you – but no. We’ll have enough support from family and friends from our church.
However, three and a half years later, on January 3rd, 1992, when our second child, Danny, died at the age of four – we practically grabbed the material regarding support groups out of the nurse’s hands when they offered it to us again.
Both of our boys died as a result of complications from primary immune deficiency. What caused the change in our response? It was because over that four-year period of time, we felt so abandoned by the very people we had trusted would be there for us.
Oh, they were there for a while. Yes, we had initial support – a sympathy card, gifts of money, flowers and home-cooked meals that were either dropped off at our house while they were on their way to attend their child’s soccer or hockey game, or dropped off at the church for us to pick up at our convenience. But beyond that? They were praying that time will heal.
We felt so alone.
Years ago, I developed a work called “Walk With Me Ministries”. It is based on the parable of the Good Samaritan as found in the gospel of Luke 10:25, “…But a certain Samaritan, as he traveled along; when he saw the one who is hurting; he came to where he was – he went to him and was moved with deep compassion for him. Kneeling beside him, the Samaritan soothed his wounds – pouring in oil and wine – with medicine – and bandaged him. Then he put the man on his own donkey and walked along beside him, until they came to an inn, where he nursed him through the night… Jesus said, “Go and do likewise”. (The Living Bible)
It is my utmost conviction that people do not know how to help a bereaved parent beyond what typically happens after the death of a child as described above. Using an acronym from the letters of Walk With Me – I developed some practical ways you can reach out and provide effective ministry for the bereaved, instead of fumbling around like a deer lost in the headlights of an oncoming car. I can assure you that if you put into practice these acts of compassion as described below, you will, in return, gain a friend forever.
“W” – Welcome me into your presence instead of avoiding me.
“A” – Accept me for who I am now, rather than wishing I was my old self again.
“L” – Listen to me, instead of giving me a bunch of advice.
“K” – Keep in touch with me, especially on my child’s birthday, the anniversary of his or her death, on Mother’s/Father’s Day, the holiday season, and the time when certain milestones would have occurred had my child lived, rather than forgetting about me.
“W” – Weep with me.
“I” – Initiate a phone call, instead of saying “Call me if you need anything”.
“T” – Talk with me, instead of talking about me.
“H” – Become a harbor of safety for me, one whom I can trust to transparently reveal how I really am doing; with full assurance that any of my treasured memories and/or broken dreams of my child that I share with you will be valued and not trifled.
“M” – Mention my child’s name, as opposed to pretending my child never existed.
“E” – Encourage me, but please don’t bombard me with phrases or questions, such as “Are you STILL grieving? By now you should be better”, and “Aren’t you “over it” yet?”
The journey of grief is different for everyone and the truth is, no one really gets over the death of a child.
Thank you for this wonderful series.